Navigating life

I think one of the most difficult parts of rebuilding my life has been dealing with ineptitude in bureaucracy.  It has to be the one single thing that’s helped me build myself up the most. It’s taught me to speak up for myself more.  It’s helped me gain a certain attitude about how I can handle life’s hurdles and messes.  Silver lining, right?

Sadly I was shuffled to a place where life hurdles, messes and goof ups are the norm, not the exception.  I’ve felt fear of losing everything I worked so hard to gain several times in the past year.  2017 has really been a “toughen up, you got this” kind of year.

I think I’ve learned that if you’re going to go through a time when nearly everyone is gonna fail you, most of them because they keep messing up your case (I know: over-worked and under-paid in an area where people are almost primitively unable to control their own tempers and lash out in anger at the least little problem) then you have to be there for yourself and speak your truth all the more because no one’s going to bother to admit their mistakes, take responsibility for them and fix them unless you stand up for yourself.  Hopefully in a healthy way.  It’s sad that I’ve been erroneously dumped into the lot as if I was from here, but I understand that here, it’s all they know and it’s how they’ve learned to be because of it.

What sucks is that this often gets very counter-productive, inefficient and does not resolve the problems encountered.

I was, earlier this year, dumped by my therapist for asking her to revise a document that took me out of the work program.  The funny part of that is that I’ve held it together for a year despite all the issues I faced after 16 years of mental and emotional abuse, gaslighting, word salad, scapegoating, the works.  I had anxiety and couldn’t deal with personal space invasion during that whole year but I kept it together and handled it… how? because I had to.  I didn’t have a choice because I didn’t qualify for any services that whole year (immigration status he left me struggling to obtain on my own after years of dangling it over my head and finding excuses not to get it done, including blaming me).  So I was in the work program the entire time I was in serious need of healing and could not get services.  I was essentially forced to keep it together because hurting someone else is not an option.  Bad enough I was attacked by a dumb teenager who thought he could accomplish what the ex couldn’t: be physically abusive.  I’ve literally been through hell and kept it together.  Now said therapist did a very honest, but very inaccurate, report because of who I am and “how I roll”.  I’m not like most people.  I’ve come to see that.  I did a lot of healing work mostly on my own because of the cards I was dealt and by the time I was removed from the work program (which I thought it would affect my attempts to get a proper status in a negative way), I’d healed enough that much of the diagnosis was no longer an issue… mind you I guess that did not occur to her.  I’m really sad that the response was to sabotage my next few appointments.  I do understand why now though.  It was because the people in this area, which I was unfairly lumped in, cannot control their anger issues.

I cannot count how many times someone messed up my case file.  Including what is the most recent mess up.  They fixed it but kept arguing with me… they showed me the date for a sum they claimed I was supposed to have gotten but know I never got.   Well, let’s just say that I know what their mistake was and will point it out if not fixed.  That will wait a while.

Another place has completely lost a document in relation to my health.  I went for tests last moment before the Holidays and the machine was broken (so was the spare, go figure).  They had to borrow a different machine that did the same thing.  The person who read it was gone.  I didn’t know I needed those tests done or I would have had it done earlier.  I was cleared by the one medical office but I guess they bypassed my Primary Care doctor who called me today not knowing where the test results went… and looking for them… but I guess they were sent to the specialist’s office.  They are running around amidst dealing with their usual work day trying to locate it and I am only able to assume that they bypassed the PCP office and sent to the specialist only because they are the ones who called me to clear me… so…

I am left wondering how anyone functions around here.

I am left wondering how anyone manages to keep services if they “fly off the handle” and at the same time I can’t blame them entirely.  They are dealing with constant ineptitude and at some point, it takes a toll.  However, I also feel bad for those who are making those mistakes because they are where I was a year+ ago: they are panicking, afraid.  They fear the reaction and so they go into panic mode and fear mode and they cannot think properly, they can then not fix anything.

It becomes a vicious circle where person A goofs, case gets rotated to person B so person A doesn’t get angry backlash or of getting fired and because person B should be able to not be afraid because they didn’t goof up, except they don’t know the case much and have a rush time limit to fix Person A’s goof up.  Meanwhile person C (the customer) is left in limbo and either fearing the impact of the goof up or angry and if that is not dealt with on a healthy level it can really cause trouble.

I’m wondering how people even manage to function under those circumstances.  People forget that I’m from Canada, and although we do have sociopaths and misplaced entitlement at times, we have a very different way of dealing with those situations when they arise.

In addition I realized I’m an INFJ empath which makes me terribly insightful and able to accomplish what most other personality types can’t.  In addition I’m Capricorn which makes me terribly efficient.  I see just how those combinations have helped me help myself and heal with some support and how much progress I’ve made.  I also realize I know myself and other people don’t, mainly because I am a rarity.  You simply don’t see too many INFJ empath Capricorns born and raised in a high end of educational systems with an open-minded family background.  The result of that is both fascinating and, I’m sure, frightening to many.  My light shines.  It will continue to shine.  My desire to never hurt anyone intentionally (and hopefully unintentionally) remains strong.  I’ve been hurt enough to know I would not, could not, ever wish it on anyone.  I understand mistakes happen.  They can be corrected.  However, make no mistake: I am fierce.  I speak my truth now.

Learning to deal with messes is how you come out buffed and polished and knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you, because you wake up one day and realize that’s exactly what you’ve been doing all along: handling life as it comes at you out of nowhere.

 

Advertisements

Healing

I’ve started to dig into how I ended up marrying an abuser.  What essentially ruined my self-esteem and self-worth.   I’m digging it all up, exposing it to light and completely examining every facet of it so that I can then be absolutely sure to repair all that was “broken”.  I can finally take a long look at all I’ve been through, now that I’m middle-aged and move forward.  I have no clue if I’ll have what I write published or not.  I know much of it would upset some people but much of it would also be good insight and explain a lot.  It would also bring a great deal of knowledge to those who need it the most.

For example, did you know that toxicity thrives in the center of denial?  That denial reigns supreme in toxic households?  Denial is the process with which families of toxic abusive people allow toxicity to thrive.

Denial is why the ex, for example, was able to make me the scapegoat for his self-sabotage as far as his family is concerned.  How could I have spent money placed in *his* bank account when it wasn’t a shared account?  His mother brushed off his behavior because he is her son.  Denial.  The ex often said it too: “Deny, deny, deny” because if there is no proof, then it’s just words.  I see now just how right he was.  Speaking truth means nothing without supporting evidence.  Not just facts but hardcore proof.  But even then, with enough undeniable proof shoved in the faces of those in denial, there is still denial.  It is why the flying monkeys stick by the abuser.  It is how these people thrive in their toxicity.

It is also why we end up in those relationships.  Denial of red flags, denial via excuses-making.  Denial.  It is both the reason and the “bubble” that enables toxicity to thrive.

Those who refuse to accept denial anymore and open their eyes are then blamed, scapegoated, shunned, because ignorance is bliss, is it not?

 

Speaking up

In a few weeks I’ll be undergoing surgery and will be offline a while.

Today’s topic is misplaced entitlement and poor customer service.  Because someone needs to speak out on the issue.

This past weekend I was approached by a stranger who refused to deal with the librarians.  He was asking me if I had ID and could get him a guest pass.  I strongly told him repeatedly that this is not my job and that I could not help him, he had to deal with the librarians.

Obviously he had no ID they would accept or his name was on the banned folks list, honestly I neither know nor do I care at this point.  For all I know he would have used the pass to cause issues or get on porn websites in my name.  Not happening.

This entire area has misplaced entitlement and the response from the local public library who “offers wifi” is to make sure that a task as simple as resetting/rebooting the router so that those of us using the library’s WIFI simply cannot.

When you are trying to:

1. job hunt

2. Apply for financial aide for schooling because you’re struggling getting a job after say…16 years in an abusive marriage…

3. internet connection is the only way you have to communicate with family and some long-distance friends

well… I understand that they have issues with many people who are toxic.  It’s all I see here to be honest… A handful of folks that are so toxic and unable to control their emotions which leave everyone else to pay the price.

However running a library in a way that claims being opened and accepting of all only to act like they cannot fix the issues as often as they do is simply leaving me wondering if those leaving the positive review comments attend the same library I currently go to.  This simple issue that “cannot be resolved” in a peaceful manner for those who are nice about it makes me question if I would ever support such a public library in any way and if, perhaps, they should fire the current tech who always seems to be absent and/or on vacation…

I will be happy when I can finally shed the neighbor issues and the various other problems this area are full of.  It has served it’s purpose in my healing journey in showing me my own true worth but honestly having to deal with gits is tiresome and I could do without it for a while.