up until this month, I thought I was doing pretty good with my recovery. I was learning plenty with and without help, I was done with the nightmares, done with the divorce, done with a huge chunk of the social anxiety and PTSD.
Now? As I struggle to learn to become more assertive and try to put healthy boundaries there, things seem to be going sideways. Folks that had seemingly no issue with me now do. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to manage my empathy, i.e. not over do it on the being helpful or advice giving… sort of step back… problem is I’m struggling with that. I’d been doing so well, but this is a tough one for me. This is where I’m struggling… because I’ve never been assertive, ever unless I was angry or pushed to a limit.
As a child, I was bullied at school and it wasn’t safe to be assertive.
later on I was a loner so being assertive just wasn’t necessary.
then a bad relationship with the narc ex… assertiveness went from calling him out on his BS to regretting it from his revenge tactics and then just not being safe doing it.
When I left a year and a half ago, I wasn’t very assertive, there were moments when I could be, but not much.
Now, attempting to find that balance seems to get me in trouble no matter what I do… I feel like I’m back walking on eggshells and I’ve realized that along with short term memory issues, my brain hurts, deep in the center.
I know from that one article that abuse can shrink the one part of your brain and increase the larger primal response center… so it seems that it’s affecting it enough now to actually cause severe pain. Mostly when I start feeling like I did back in the relationship. And here I thought I had been able to undo some of the damage the abuse had caused. I guess I was mistaken.
I wonder if anyone else is going through and can actually pin point the pain right in the deep center of the brain.
I am trying to not sink into any sort of depression but it’s very difficult…
I had found welcoming places / people and now… it looks like my struggling with assertiveness is certainly causing issues. My stepping back and trying to be assertive is being taken the wrong way, big time. Even with folks who know I have been through abuse and have issues I’m working on… but I guess the fact I was doing so well until now, and no longer am, sort of put that in question.
all I can add to that is that being INFJ sucks… I feel more and more like an alien on this planet