A word added…

I came across an interesting article this morning and it brought back a memory that I now wish to share somewhat.

For a long time I wrote annoyed posts on my facebook wall about his behavior, having picked up on the fact that he would stop acting like a complete GIT the moment his behaviors were made public.  I had no clue at the time that he was a narcissist and did not want to be exposed.

It both let out frustrations and got results in that he would know I posted about it and he would then actively actually stop behaving that way.  I thought at the time he might do it out of shame or to make me out to be the liar… I did not care anymore so long as it got the result I was hoping for… and it did.

I was sinking slowly into depression and unhappiness, stressed, unloved by a guy who had claimed to love me until the night after we got married… and then I became his enemy… He hated on me, ignored me, allowed his family (younger siblings – still in high school) to be abusive to me and when we moved out of his mother’s home – on my demand because I was not going to put up with in-laws being abusive, then a lot of his own behaviors turned into what I might qualify as “mildly abusive”.

Though I did not know the term “gas lighting”, it was there.  There was devaluation and criticism.  I only thought he was “being an @$$” and did not know it was abuse back then, though there is no doubt that he began to take my rights away and make false promises long before the end of the relationship… or I should now say end of my side of the relationship, seeing as it was the only one that existed other then his false pretense to ensnare me into marrying him.  The fact that there was a country border now between myself and my family/friends was sufficient to instantly isolate me.  The fact I had a 6 month old child [with him] born before we got married insured I would have trouble making new friends or having time to go out and meet new people – in my case my absolute devotion to my family made it even more of a fact.

So the facebook posts, internet being the only method for me to keep in touch with family/friends across the North American border – and taken or permitted at his will – were there when I sank into depression under the weight of depression, loneliness, hate from my husband and stress.
I began seeking out friends online, my own BFF having her own battle with her narc ex and being unable to be online much because of it and other reasons.

I found a site I didn’t realize was a dating site but I was on there to meet friends, no more and that I did.  I also had to fend off what I believe were either very desperate males or more narcs targeting me, possibly both.  But I used the site’s chat and made some very good friends, before realizing it to be a dating site and not wanting to get in trouble, some of which went on their way but others remained.  So before deleting the account – less it be a reason for false accusations- I added the few friends on facebook.

There, I would post about his behavior and one of these friends I will forever be grateful to, posted an article I since lost.  Curious, I read it from top to bottom and as I read I began to cry.  Suddenly everything I had been through made sense.  Everything I was dealing with had a name: “NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.  I knew then and there what I was dealing with.  I knew he knew what he was doing to me.  I had suspected strongly how he never had cared for me but just claimed he did in the beginning, but now it was confirmed.  I had felt a long time like a slave, a maid, a babysitter for his progeny (not a mother to our kid(s) at all) and his own personal wh*re (excuse the strong language).  It was confirmed that those things are exactly what he saw me as… his property.

There is that in me that balks and rebels at unfair treatment and that refuses to be used or mistreated.  Parts of me, might be arrogance or pride, might be something else… but it wakes up anger and refusal to be subjected to that.  It brought out my claws and I fought back.  That part of me will never bow down for it is fierce and is not afraid to wage a silent war and it is neither tamable or destructible.  It just is.  I am not a victim, I am a warrior.  I fight on.  Maybe he saw it in me as he decided to use the name “Warrior Spirit” to cause mayhem and chaos – I do not know if he stole the names from someone we knew online who died or if he created it and manipulated others using the name, but I know he later on used it to “ruin his account and online life” among a certain group of people claiming it was me or one of my friends.  His scape-goating of me was not new by then as he blamed me for all of his own self-sabotage for years before that.  Those familiar with alika-kadri (most beautiful destiny indeed, but not YOURS, never YOURS and never again to fall for your lies, deceits, manipulations and tricks) would also be familiar with the name “Warrior Spirit” but may not have a clue that he may have been behind the name… now you know that I strongly suspect that he was… and hurt a lot of people in the process.

I ended up researching much on the subject of narcissism and abuse and now I wish to share this one that I read this very morning.  I hope you find it helpful in some way.


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