A word added…

I came across an interesting article this morning and it brought back a memory that I now wish to share somewhat.

For a long time I wrote annoyed posts on my facebook wall about his behavior, having picked up on the fact that he would stop acting like a complete GIT the moment his behaviors were made public.  I had no clue at the time that he was a narcissist and did not want to be exposed.

It both let out frustrations and got results in that he would know I posted about it and he would then actively actually stop behaving that way.  I thought at the time he might do it out of shame or to make me out to be the liar… I did not care anymore so long as it got the result I was hoping for… and it did.

I was sinking slowly into depression and unhappiness, stressed, unloved by a guy who had claimed to love me until the night after we got married… and then I became his enemy… He hated on me, ignored me, allowed his family (younger siblings – still in high school) to be abusive to me and when we moved out of his mother’s home – on my demand because I was not going to put up with in-laws being abusive, then a lot of his own behaviors turned into what I might qualify as “mildly abusive”.

Though I did not know the term “gas lighting”, it was there.  There was devaluation and criticism.  I only thought he was “being an @$$” and did not know it was abuse back then, though there is no doubt that he began to take my rights away and make false promises long before the end of the relationship… or I should now say end of my side of the relationship, seeing as it was the only one that existed other then his false pretense to ensnare me into marrying him.  The fact that there was a country border now between myself and my family/friends was sufficient to instantly isolate me.  The fact I had a 6 month old child [with him] born before we got married insured I would have trouble making new friends or having time to go out and meet new people – in my case my absolute devotion to my family made it even more of a fact.

So the facebook posts, internet being the only method for me to keep in touch with family/friends across the North American border – and taken or permitted at his will – were there when I sank into depression under the weight of depression, loneliness, hate from my husband and stress.
I began seeking out friends online, my own BFF having her own battle with her narc ex and being unable to be online much because of it and other reasons.

I found a site I didn’t realize was a dating site but I was on there to meet friends, no more and that I did.  I also had to fend off what I believe were either very desperate males or more narcs targeting me, possibly both.  But I used the site’s chat and made some very good friends, before realizing it to be a dating site and not wanting to get in trouble, some of which went on their way but others remained.  So before deleting the account – less it be a reason for false accusations- I added the few friends on facebook.

There, I would post about his behavior and one of these friends I will forever be grateful to, posted an article I since lost.  Curious, I read it from top to bottom and as I read I began to cry.  Suddenly everything I had been through made sense.  Everything I was dealing with had a name: “NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.  I knew then and there what I was dealing with.  I knew he knew what he was doing to me.  I had suspected strongly how he never had cared for me but just claimed he did in the beginning, but now it was confirmed.  I had felt a long time like a slave, a maid, a babysitter for his progeny (not a mother to our kid(s) at all) and his own personal wh*re (excuse the strong language).  It was confirmed that those things are exactly what he saw me as… his property.

There is that in me that balks and rebels at unfair treatment and that refuses to be used or mistreated.  Parts of me, might be arrogance or pride, might be something else… but it wakes up anger and refusal to be subjected to that.  It brought out my claws and I fought back.  That part of me will never bow down for it is fierce and is not afraid to wage a silent war and it is neither tamable or destructible.  It just is.  I am not a victim, I am a warrior.  I fight on.  Maybe he saw it in me as he decided to use the name “Warrior Spirit” to cause mayhem and chaos – I do not know if he stole the names from someone we knew online who died or if he created it and manipulated others using the name, but I know he later on used it to “ruin his account and online life” among a certain group of people claiming it was me or one of my friends.  His scape-goating of me was not new by then as he blamed me for all of his own self-sabotage for years before that.  Those familiar with alika-kadri (most beautiful destiny indeed, but not YOURS, never YOURS and never again to fall for your lies, deceits, manipulations and tricks) would also be familiar with the name “Warrior Spirit” but may not have a clue that he may have been behind the name… now you know that I strongly suspect that he was… and hurt a lot of people in the process.

I ended up researching much on the subject of narcissism and abuse and now I wish to share this one that I read this very morning.  I hope you find it helpful in some way.

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/

Advertisements

not sure why this din’t post the first time…

I wrote this as part of a reply to another blog but wanted to share… tried posting this days ago but it never posted… not sure why…

to my ex:
I am not responsible for your faulty perceptions.
I am not responsible for you not understanding what I explained to you, 5 different ways and calmly
I am not responsible for your well-being
I am not responsible for cleaning up the messes of a 40+ year old
I am not responsible for your self-sabotage and self-victimization to gain fuel even as you attempt to make me your scapegoat
I am not responsible for the debts you accumulated while you prevented me from having any say financially or while you made sure I could not work/have a job
I am not responsible for your well-being or suicidal claims of “if I leave you your suicide will be my fault”, no… no it will not as I did not hold the pills and tipped the bottle and I did not hold the blade. I walked away, that is all. The rest is YOUR choice, YOUR decision… and I am well aware that it was not a true threat in any case as it was said only to try and force me to always remain under your thumb
I am not responsible for your games or for the times you got yourself fired in order to further prevent me getting my freedom back
I am in no way responsible for you ever thinking I would be your slave and forever subservient
I am not responsible for you thinking I was a tool to be used and then discarded or set aside until you felt I was needed for more use
I am not responsible for the things you claimed I was.
I AM responsible for ME, for getting my freedom and my life back.
I AM responsible for refusing to let you walk all over me
I AM responsible for standing up to you and calling you out on your BS
I AM responsible for demanding that you take responsibility for your own actions
I AM responsible for teaching our child not to take BS
I AM responsible for living my life, rebuilding it free of your poisonous, toxic influence
I AM NOT responsible for your criticism, your views, your twisted half-truths or any of your beliefs.
I AM DEFINITELY NOT responsible for your childish tantrums and the abuse you chose to inflict on us during our married years.
I am good enough
I am a good person
I am someone who works hard and loves deeply
I no longer doubt/am no longer blind to tat which I bring to the table in ANY relationship or situation
I am no longer subject to your whims, your tantrums, your guilt trips, your victimization of yourself, your scapegoating or your lies
You have no more power over me,
despite your best games
I am FREE

15 Boundary Breakers

right on all of these

Knowing the Narcissist

15 BOUNDARY BREAKERS 

We never respect boundaries, do not regard them as applicable to us, whether those boundaries are accepted social conventions or boundaries enshrined in law, we have little or no regard for them. These rules, procedures, conventions and laws are for the little people, not titans such as us. We go where we want, when we want and do what we want. Driven by our astonishing sense of entitlement, absent empathy and innate superiority, we smash through barriers and boundaries every day. This is a total mind set which we adopt and the examples of this are legion. Here are fifteen instance of our boundary breaking behaviours.

  1. Anything of yours is automatically ours.
  2. You are an extension of us.
  3. We make you feel guilty if you say no to us.
  4. We make you believe that you are something that you are not.
  5. We ignore and/or deny your needs.
  6. We invade…

View original post 89 more words

you’re kidding me…

ugh…

they know I don’t have a car…

they know I have anxiety, PTSD, hearing issues…

they refer me to a job agency I would have to walk a good hour to get to AFTER taking a bus for a whole hour… by a busy highway… no sidewalks…

what is wrong with people?  Don’t they *get it*?

Since one of my biggest challenges since taking back my freedom has been boundaries and self-care, here’s one for the masses…

makes up for the smaller moments…

I categorically refuse to go to that one… find me one closer, one I can get to… yes I want a flippin job but NOT at THAT kind of cost to my well-being.

This is what happens often when you ask for help to try and get services…

I am NOT happy with the services I am supposed to be getting…

they take nothing in consideration about invisible wounds despite seeing the diagnosis…

You bet I am upset…

this feels like they think it’s a joke…

not at my expense thank you very much

edit: I am glad I stood up for myself and brought it up to them tactfully, pointing out the issues and asking why they would refer me to a place so difficult to get to and mentioning my horrible experience this brought back… They have offered me a solution to the issue and everything will be just fine. Phew.

A video everyone should see

this came up on my news feed and I thought it might be important to share this.  It can be triggering for those of us having gone through it… it’s very emotional, but worth every second of it.

If My Wounds Were Visible

I would like to thanks French Creek Films and all of the people appearing in the video.  I’ve brought up some of those things to my counselor, I think most of us have.  It’s nice that it has become a public video/voice for all to hear it. ❤

5 Narcissistic Myths

Good to know

Knowing the Narcissist

youtube-narc-myths

 

I always read views propounded about me and my kind, with considerable interest. I see many intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it. Many carry considerable force. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us. There are other more…

View original post 1,385 more words

WNAAD – No Good Advice

so true…

Knowing the Narcissist

no-good-adviceToday is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (“WNAAD”) and in tandem with this awareness day, I have selected a series of articles which go to the issue of awareness, in terms of your own but more importantly to those who have yet to find insight and understanding. It is through YOU that you can direct people to this insight and understanding through YOUR sharing of my work. You have the capacity to assist others to seize the power. NOW is your opportunity to capitalise on this day’s impact by sharing, disseminating and spreading awareness.

Relationship advice. The internet is awash with it. Sites, blogs, question and answer sessions, videos on YouTube there is a plethora of advice about how to deal with the problems which arise in intimate relationships.

I decided recently to have a good look through many of these sites and gather together the common complaints which people…

View original post 1,350 more words