I should explain

first, if you have known me by this online name you will find that I have not been Ali in years now… longer then even I thought I’d left her behind… So I wore her skin a bit longer then I should have but that gets complicated…

so explanation on the last post… only let’s put forth one thing… the blog is there, there is info on it on my personal situation though I try to keep that to a minimum right now, knowing that too much info isn’t a good idea… maybe at some point it will be and I can post my years of torment but for now, the stuff I post he could identify himself on, but very few others could…unless they were some of the folks we interacted with online… but unless he finds my blog and decides to identify himself, then for now he cannot say I’m slandering him because I’ve posted no real names on here and barely any info…
really only enough info for him to recognize himself (maybe) since he might not even be the only one that has done all these things.

that said, during our golden period he had convinced me to be submissive to him and yes naturally I can be.  That said, as he found out, I can be very feisty when needed.  Only “submissive” turned into “slave” online… and he mistakenly thought that would translate to real life/ offline… but that is what Ali (alika/alika~kadri) was… his slave… as he was trying to turn me.   It translates as “most beautiful destiny”… and although I embody a most beautiful destiny of my own now, there is nothing in it he owns anymore, nothing of me is his any longer as he has proven he could not cherish such a gift as I was offering him.  Submissive I might be, to the right man, but he was definitely not that man.

So you may be judging right now but I was young (19) and naive and curious… something I no longer am.  So if you judge me on it, remember that I am no longer that person, if I ever was at all.  I’ve learned much on gracefulness and that I don’t regret at all.  I’ve gone to the depths of myself and came back, I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong in taking very good care of those I care about.  There is no shame in me and so I freely admit to having gone there at one point.  It’s romanticized and never true slavery but he’ll never understand that and very few ever do, be they considering themselves dominant or submissive… even if they claim themselves a slave, it’s not.  There’s huge differences that they’ve no clue on.

And in that lot, all the abusers hide waiting… very few are true dominants who respect and even truly cherish a gift of submission but instead lay all the abuse they can on the other person, abuses they did not agree to.  So very few of those partnerships last, because very few of it is not romanticized to match a skewed idea or “partnership”…

I don’t mean to slander the BDSM community, but it cannot be denied that wolves hide among them waiting to ambush those who have vulnerability.  The self-policing that used to exist has fallen behind and is no longer protecting those entering the lifestyle either because they’ve been told they’re submissive, have noticed that trend in themselves or are simply curious about other lifestyles…or, like me, those brought into it because they fell in love with a wolf…

So for a long time even within the abuse I have not been “Ali” formerly “ali”.  I capped that “A” pretty early on when it was clear it was being used to abuse me and disrespect the gift I was offering him.  And for a long time I’ve been something *other* then that.  I’ve learned much of who and what I am and am now able to give a name to what was done to me and how it did bring me to a greater awareness of myself.

Thoughts

I thought he might have been a lesser narcissist but now I’m not so sure… a LOT of his behaviors were on purpose, he knew exactly what he was doing, from self-sabotage to clinging to his excuses, denying, blaming and shaming me… Not that telling the level of his issues changes any of it or helps in my healing at this point… he has done what he has done and has been aware of it/planned it except when I would infuriate him enough for him to lose control at which point he would simply react to the anger, to the narcissistic injuries I would cause by calling him out on his behavior.

What I see is that many cling to an addiction in order to come up with excuses for the abusive behavior…
my ex had a porn/sex/stripper addiction he claims is a gambling addiction to explain where the money goes missing… only I know better…
what he has, though, is the most annoyingly perfect excuse in the world… a medical condition he milks for all it’s worth.  He gets away with so much because of that it’s sickening.
He of course self-sabotages to keep it going, uses it to draw pity from potential sources of fuel, and has doctors completely fooled.  Meanwhile he’s supposed to stay away from caffeine and take meds… he has not been taking his meds other then to start using them as self-sabotage tool, i.e. stop meds cold-turkey to cause himself issues, take meds he knows he can blame for anger issues, drinks the most caffeinated pop/sodas (i’ve witnessed up to 4 liters in one single day though most of the time it was a 2 liter per week unless he wanted to cause himself a migraine on purpose).

I find the insight helpful to my healing but know it would be pointless to warn others, knowing I would probably not have listened while in love and in the golden period pre-marriage…  All I know is that he is no longer my problem and, though I do feel saddened for the women falling in his path of destruction and hope they wake up sooner then I did, I wash my hands of his entire BS, the scapegoating he has put on me, the lies he tells, etc.

I am now very much aware of my own worth and what I bring to the table in any relationship, hence why other then this blog, Ali is dead, transformed into someone Ali was never meant to be.  Life is flaunting at me my own worth at this point in my life and I can no longer deny it.

Resources part 6

yes… I know…there is a lot of information out there and these links of info just run on and on… be kind to yourself, take your time exploring them, bookmark them to look at later if you need to.  it’s a lot of information to digest, to wrap your mind around and to process.  keep in mind it took me months to gather these and Rome was not built in one single day.  Neither does healing take only a day to achieve.  read some, go partake of some self-care, muddle some things over if you want/feel like it, get some sunshine and fresh air, maybe listen to some music, take a bubble bath… let what you read sink in during hat time, and then come back fresh for more…

I’m also trying not to post a link twice but I’m having some issues with my bookmarks (now of all time, right? Murphy, Murphy, Murphy… you and your law) so I apologize in advance for any that get posted twice.

Developmental Trauma

7 Signs You Have A Strong Personality That May Scare Others

This Is What Happens When You ‘Discard’ An Abusive Narcissist First

7 Common Manipulative Phrases and How To Shut Them Down

11 Things Others Don’t Realize You Are Doing Because Of Your High Functioning Anxiety

Article by Shahida Arabi: “What Abuse Survivors Don’t Know: 10 Life-Changing Truths”

Pulling Yourself Out of the Abyss: Healing from an Abusive Relationship

25 Signs of Covert Narcissism: A Special Kind of Mind Game

13 Essential Tips if You Are Divorcing a Narcissist

Living in the damage path

20 Truths About People Who Are Too Anxious, But Also Too Kind

How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Health, According To ScienceSleep and Emotional Trauma: The PTSD Connection

because as a victim you may be stalked, even online, this might be very helpful.  If the narc hounding you is an IT person, you might have to go a bit farther to protect yourself online…

Hacker Explains The Easy Way To Hide Online

Symptoms of PTSD and Trauma – pat 1

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents

16 Uncomfortable Feelings That Actually Indicate You’re On The Right Path

Narcissistic Abuse: 16 Subtle Signs a Narcissist is Abusing You

6 Ways to stop sabotaging your relationships after narcissistic abuse

7 Tactics Narcissists Use to Escape Responsibility

I CAN’T GET HIM TO LEAVE

Forget Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. Do This Instead

The Differences Between Abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder

Women Are Having An Important Conversation About Abuse Under #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou

The Brutal Truth About 6 Types of “Quiet” Verbal Abuse

10 Damaging Ways Narcissistic Parents Emotionally Harm Their Children ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The Narcissist HATES Being Ignored

7 Signs Someone Is Trying to Psychologically Manipulate You

UNDERSTANDING WHY NARCISSISTS TARGETED YOU IS FUNDAMENTAL TO HEALING

Why He Won’t Let You Go, Even When He Doesn’t Want You

How To Get Your Life Back On Track When You Feel Broken

3 TIPS FOR EMPATHS TO HELP PREVENT ANXIETY ATTACKS

The Complex Trauma Survivor Faces a Lifetime’s Worth of Bullying

5 Types of Anxiety Disorders

5 Phrases Sociopaths and Narcissists Use To Undermine Your Confidence

I Still Can’t Believe This Happened To Me

 

 

 

Resources part 5

Differences Between a Psychopath vs Sociopath

10 Reasons Abusers Don’t Change

5 Things People Say When They’re Lying to You

Are you being used as a flying monkey for a narcissist?

How the Bacteria in Our Gut Influences Our Minds

Are you being used as a flying monkey for a narcissist?

6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

10 Things I’ve Learned About Gaslighting As An Abuse Tactic

TRAUMA BONDING – Signs it may be holding you back

Identifying Emotional Abuse before it Happens

8 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation

DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER RESOURCES & SUPPORT

WHAT IS DISSOCIATION? DEFINITION, SYMPTOMS, CAUSES, TREATMENT

WHAT ARE DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS? DEFINITION, CAUSES, FACTS

TYPES OF DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS, LIST OF DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS

DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS TREATMENT

Stop a Flashback in Its Tracks

6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN

EVERY Single One Of These 10 Things Is Emotional Abuse

Dissociation: Understanding the Impact of Relational Trauma

A Volcanic Eruption Of Apocalyptic Proportions: The Narcissist’s Bubbling Fury

Financial Abuse and Exploitation Solutions as a Result of Narcissistic Abuse

9 Steps To Making And Keeping Better Boundaries

6 Signs In An Argument That Scream Psychopath!

Toxic Abuse in Relationships: Inside the Narcissist’s Devalue and Discard Phases

Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions

Divorcing a Narcissist: Trust Your Instinct

8 Hidden Behaviors Of A Bully

Complex Trauma and PTSD Exhaustion, Fatigue and Tiredness

7 Signs You’ve Arrived as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

5 Ways Predators Prey on Politeness

Why Bad Looks Good

The Dangers of Staying in a Relationship with a Narcissist

Why A Narcissist Stays With Their New Partner

14 Signs He’s Not In Love, You’re Just Convenient

5 WAYS TO STAY STRONG AS AN INFJ EMPATH

More links/Resources coming up but 1st…

I’ll be adding more links for healing/knowledge resources in a moment but as I learn and heal from what I’ve been through, I sit here wondering and thinking and pondering a whole lot of things.

I came across many groups and many ways to look at my situation and similar ones.  I look at folks who make comments in their various stages of healing, some have recognized their inner strength and realized they did nothing wrong despite being made to feel guilt, shame and blame.  While others have yet to see those things, yet to grieve for a relationship hoped for but never fulfilled as promised, yet to unchain themselves fully from that person they loved, yet to realized that the one they fell in love with never existed in the vessel that was nothing but a skilled actor playing a fictional character.

Yet I sit here thinking that if it’s true the narcs in our lives have built thick and tall walls and hidden their inner child deep into an inner sanctum even they refuse to explore and look into for fear that the vulnerable center everyone of us has might be breached or contaminated or hurt… and that they seek to attack and destroy those of us who care more and feel more and are so very strong, then maybe it isn’t wrong of us to believe we could “fix” them, only there is a catch 22 to that proposition… that, if you wanna call us empath, super empaths (whatever, I never cared for labels but it can help define traits so let’s go with those terms).  That maybe we have it in us to heal /strengthen whatever is weak and broken and fearful within the narc and so they seek to hurt us to chase us off and prevent us actually healing them.

here is the catch 22… you cannot change/heal/fix someone who refuses to be healed/changed/fixed.  The first step would have to come from THEM… and that’s not going to happen.  Nor can we heal someone if we are wounded as deeply as we get wounded until we learn to keep and hold healthy boundaries.

It IS ironic that by injuring us so and seeking to hurt/destroy us, they end up forcing us to heal ourselves, acknowledge that we are strong and empowered individuals by the very fact that caring “too much” as some term it (I find myself disagreeing strongly with the “too much” label, and concluding that it’s not “too much” but maybe better termed “not appropriately” because we have not yet learned how to) gives us immense strength.   Somehow we are able to take years of abuse and turn it into healing of our own wounds.  We are given a unique chance to grow and understand how to be better at being what we are.

So I sit here pondering that if the timing was right and the first step was done by the narc (I know, not going to happen LOL) and they took the risk to open their inner sanctum to an empath that they truly saw something wrong with their behavior and stopped fearing destruction or change, that maybe it would be no different then a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and that they could heal in ways that would let them become strong empaths… so that in some ways they fear that change, they fear becoming us, they locked the emotions away somehow for fear of being hurt and dissociated themselves from their true self to prevent injury, essentially becoming narcs with their own twisted sense of reality and protecting themselves while seeking to hurt empaths only to force wounded empaths to heal…

yes I know LOL it makes my head hurt too…

so, as I sit here healing myself and putting a finger on this theory, and listening to all the laughter and criticism and “nah it’ll never happen” and “not possible” commentary, I can’t help but wonder if that is indeed what could happen and why they get high from hurting and overpowering us…

anyway… enough personal musings on things that are not plausible and back to resource sharing…

Resource part 4

7 Intelligent Ways to Deal with Toxic People

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome and How to Help Victims Heal

4 Traits of Actual Psychopaths

Are You Dating an Emotional Predator? – Signs of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths

25 Things to Know When You Love Someone With a Guarded Heart

Come Back to Your Truth

He Never Hit Me

Dissociation: Understanding the Impact of Relational Trauma

Narcissists And Why You’re So Exhausted

I thought I needed you

6 Strategies to Help You Stop Overreacting When Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Financial Abuse and Exploitation Solutions as a Result of Narcissistic Abuse

3 Reasons Why It’s IMPOSSIBLE To Win With A Narcissist

30 Red Flags Your Mister ‘Nice Guy’ Is Actually a Narcissistic Pr*ck

Anxiety Disorders typically caused by exposure to Narcissistic Abuse

this is exactly what I had to come to terms with: he was nothing but a character played by a skilled actor

I fell in love with a man who did not exist; the reality for many survivors of narcissistic partners ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The Language Narcissists Use To Manipulate And Traumatize Their Victims

Empaths Are The Best MIND Detectives – Here Are 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Be Messing Around An Empath

5 Lingering Effects Of Emotional Abuse (And How To Heal Them)

ACCOUNTABILITY

How to help your children when their other parent is a narcissist

Living with C-PTSD Following an Abusive Relationship

nothing wrong with mani-pedis, if you can afford them, but I’m not much of a girly-girl so I figured other folks (guys maybe? women that are less girly? idk) might appreciate alternate methods…

5 SELF-CARE STRATEGIES THAT AREN’T FUCKING MANI-PEDIS

17 Things That Happen When An Empath Loves A Narcissist

10 things to expect if you beat a narcissist in court

7 psychological phrases to know if you’re dating a narcissist

6 Signs In An Argument That Scream Psychopath!

10 Unbelievable Behaviors Of The Narcissist

20 Traits of Emotional Abusers

RUN AWAY: 30 Huge Red Flags That You’re In An Abusive Relationship

3 REASONS WHY INFJ EMPATHS FALL PREY TO NARCISSISTS

8 Things Cheaters Say – And Why They’re Bullsh*t

realizing that i’ve ended up with a LOT of resources/links/articles, and yes I do know many link to the same basic site but where one title may not apply to one person it may apply to another… while the title for another article on the same site might not…

I think i’ve reached my post limit for today LOL it’s letting me edit but not make new posts… and I’ve only scratched about half of the links I have to share… but I guess there’s plenty to look at for now… best to take time to sift through, read slow, take time, self-care in between reads/articles… it would be easy to get brain strain or brain tired… I know I feel that just seeing the amount of info I collected these past months…

enjoy