Opening up = Healing

so ok.
sigh.
i don’t open up, i don’t talk about this stuff… only… maybe it needs to be said.

If you get easily upset maybe you shouldn’t read this but if you don’t mind a healthy dose of reality, then read on.

I know it’s likely to upset my family. sorry but again it needs to be out in the open.

we all have our battles, this one has been mine.

i was raised in an international hub, with many different cultures & a lot of different ways of thinking. Heck of a lot of diversity.
i was a strong willed & pretty moody at times.

i was a smart kid, for some things…

Elementary school. i was a straight A student. But as much as i loved the learning aspect, elementary was hell for me.

I was bullied.
I was strong, yes, strong-willed but not comfortable in large crowds. anxious even. i guess i had no clue what it was… too self-concious maybe.
Bullies chipped slowly at me, hurt me, shook me.
Ignore them, they’ll go away?

No, sorry but they latch on like leeches & suck you dry until there’s nothing left.
You can only be told you’re ugly & stupid so many times, 8 hours a day before you begin to believe it.
You can only be blamed for stuff so often before everything wrong becomes your fault & you start blaming yourself for everything.
My defense mechanism? I became a loner… better to be alone then to get hurt, then to be surrounded by hostility/negativity. I built walls. Thick impassible walls. I wasn’t letting anyone in for a very very long time.

I’m the kind of person that’s always sought to learn, to understand the source, the reason(s) behind behaviors/words, the unspoken. There’s always more then most folks care to see. I think that’s what saved me.

I was never suicidal, let’s be clear on that. but depressed? heck yeah. To the point of wishing the universe would end the pain for me. Oh, yes I craved oblivion. I never did drugs though, i knew that wasn’t a solution, it only makes things worst…but to crawl under a rock & to be forgotten or forever surrounded by darkness just so the pain would end, for sure.

I was not in a good place to be. I cried myself to sleep & i hid it well enough.
That never stopped me being kind to others… the world needs more kind people.

I got hurt, i built those walls, i got fat, i kept people at bay & became more introvert then i should ever have been. There must be something wrong with me, i thought, cuz they don’t bully everyone, just me. If i was going to be told i’m fat even when i wasn’t yet, that i was stupid & i was trash, that i was ugly, then it might as well be true. Kid logic. don’t you just love it when you beat yourself up worst then anyone else ever could? I was just 6/7 years old. Getting glasses made it worst.

so much i didn’t understand back then but i do now.

Overly sensitive? heck yeah but i have no shame in that now. some of the elementary kids were kind to me, not many, but some. Those i considered friends.

Thing is though, people who are blind to how broken you are cannot help rebuild you.

High school came. The very very few close friends i have awkwardly made probably saved me somewhat. I lost weight, lowered my walls some (but not much & not for everyone) & got strong enough to tell the bullies to F*** off.
do no harm. I’ve been hurt enough to never wanna hurt anyone like that ever. I touched a bit of subconcious boundary making- I won’t beat you up for trying to beat me up & put me down but i’m not going to let you keep doing it type thing. i awkwardly stood up for myself not knowing what boundaries actually are.

I was proud of myself though for defending myself without hurting anyone. It’s very much possible.

College. I was alone again. I spent most of my time running to catch buses, metro trains, ran around all over. I was mostly independent & though i was unaware of it at the time, i still consider those years my happiest. I had no real direction & no clue on a potential career or even job.

something was still wrong though. I was better but i was still broken. i wanted love despite having high standards. I was still alone a lot. I longed for someone to make me feel wanted, worth loving. Family is nice but sometimes you need a special person to share stuff with you never would with family. something more intimate. i didn’t wanna be alone anymore. someone that wouldn’t judge me. someone outside family. Except i had no clue i was even broken.

i had an online relationship where i thought the guy cared but he was using me, along with many others. it broke my heart terribly but i promised myself i wouldn’t ever be the third wheel, even though he had lied & i had had no clue he was with someone offline. i felt so stupid.
He no longers matter now.

I had no clue on red flags or unhealthy relationships, just that something was off. But i was blind.

i love my family. They’re not perfect. They hid quarrels pretty well, didn’t talk on personal stuff much. Lots of info on religions, cults, politics, economics etc but… no notion of healthy relationships. grandparents didn’t interact much with each other & my mom had no boyfriends till i was 16 & (sorry mom) they were not very… good relationships… so although i knew what i didn’t want, i had an idea in my head of a good relationship but i think that was romanticized too much.
i got lots of love from my family, that’s never in question. But in some things, you guys never listened to me. But none of you knew i was broken & so i never got tools to repair my broken pieces.

I sought someone to help me repair them though. someone that i could talk to, that wouldn’t judge or shrug it off as ridiculous cuz i’m strong & smart… someone to prove to me i’m not ugly.

Except… if you yourself don’t believe it, no one can make you see it. I was always the only one able to stop being blind & make myself see reality from different eyes.

when I met my ex, he was there for me, listened to me, made me feel beautiful & special, unbroken, worthy of being loved. I was whole in his eyes. I forgot i was broken for a time. what i had no clue on is that he saw the broken pieces i hid even from myself, picked them up, promising to repair them… only he planned something very different, subconsciously maybe but he did.
Once he had me where he wanted me, everything changed. The abuse started.
I was alone, away from family & friends in a new country (Canadian now in the US). I was an illegal alien and he made sure i had no status at all when he asked them to bypass the k-visa & then failed to file the papers they gave him to speed things up & get me a status.
I believe now that he knew eactly what he was doing though it seemed like forgetfulness/laziness at the time.

I rationalized it for a long time, all the crap he pulled. 6 months in i no longer had any sort of photo Id. I was juggling lack of sleep to raise a baby & trying to make my husband happy.
Mind you, in the beginning it wasn’t as bad as it got later on but i got confused & let him put a heck of a guilt trip on me about not being good enough a mother & a wife. I wasn’t trying hard enough. meanwhile he did whatever he wanted & i rationalized it as maybe he’ll grow up & mature up in time… maybe if i tried harder to be a good wife & mother. maybe the problem was indeed ME… i wasn’t good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough…
there… you see?
he was chipping away at the cracks already there, the broken pieces… as time went by he ripped pieces of my already thorn soul to make himself bigger, better, smarter, stronger, riding on the fact he was slowly, progressively taking all my freedom away, taking my choices from me, taking everything i was & making me doubt myself more while he took the credit for everything i thought of & accomplished… & for a long time i was blind to it cuz i loved him. cuz i thought the man i dated might come back…

only…it took a long time for me to wake up & see that had been just a stupid act…the man i fell in love with never existed within my ex.

In public he was charming & loved to play at being the perfect doting father & husband…what’s my problem? I can’t believe he’s acting so completely not like at home. i was so confused.
at home we were chores, we were not worth his time other then for him to remind me how bad a wife i was, what a disappointment i turned out to be… other women were worth his time, but not me… not anymore.

Kiddo was an ego boost but ask him to put any time with him behind closed doors, & nothing… don’t bother me… i picked up on that one & made sure kiddo had some sort of childhood by pushing for outside time with his father… on hind sight, maybe that’s why kiddo no longer likes being outdoors…
in public i could pretend we were happy cuz i saw some, but never all, of the guy i fell in love with…sorta… but it only prolongued my torture/blindness/hope.

Hope you see can be a strong force for good but sometimes it makes things worst… like…stupidly hoping the man i fell in love with would be back to stay within the husband that i couldn’t accept was never that man to begin with.
the initial “OMG i’m a daddy yayyy” turned into ignoring kiddo as much as possible once the door closed & we were out of the public’s eye. we were ego boosts…until we weren’t enough. we were only there to help him look good.
i was alone with kiddo…alone with my thoughts… the only one able to figure it out… but i was lost, confused, made dizzy by the mind games, the emotional back & forths… the gaslighting… the blame & shame.

None of it had a name so i couldn’t figure it out.

he chinked what armor i had from the inside cuz i let him in the walls i had built. he was supposed to be the one that cared above all else, but he cared only when he wanted his needs met.
i had no clue he was telling half truths & twisted realities to his family. they hate me, i know that much but i had no clue why. i found out later. the damage was done. none of them would listen to me anyway… something about believing blood over spouses.
doesn’t matter anymore.

I had no right to have feelings or needs, only to satisfy his.

I wanted contact with my family but he shrugged it off. It wasn’t his problem, plus keeping me from talking to them meant more control over me.

Got internet for a while in the beginning but then he decided it kept me from being a good wife/mother & got rid of it… it was of course my fault.

Never mind that he’d been on there flirting with other women & god only knows what else.
He cut me off from any social time… what i would learn later was punishment for not waiting on him hand & foot & for trying to stand up for myself…a pattern that would emerge stronger as time passed.
The blame & shame got worst. I had no need he cared about, i had no feelings worth his time/consideration/effort.

I believed at that point that if i tried harder, if only i gave just a little more of myself…maybe things would change…maybe he just needed time to mature up… men mature slower then women you know… maybe…just maybe it really was my fault the marriage was not working out.

Meanwhile he went across the border to the casino’s strip clubs, paid whores for bj’s & i was clueless. I was at home worried sick about why he vanished… cuz… he’s supposed to have this seizure disability…only he’s never had one. he fakes blackouts when convenient, goes to the hospital with migraines when convenient. they run cat scans but never find anything wrong with him. They send him home. He gets out of so much that way but i can’t prove he’s faking… only… its always when convenient. Meanwhile i’m home alone, no money, trying to not freak out, trying to raise kiddo, trying to track down where my husband might be…hospital? in a ditch somewhere? dead??? OMG…no…

i’m buying hard into the seizure disability…

he comes home tells me lies bout being robbed & left for dead… when it happens again i tell him he’s gotto report it… well… sh*t… he’ll be caught in a lie if he doesn’t… so cops investigate find nothing… he gets charged with reporting a false crime… officer tells me to check his pockets.. i find proof he was at the casino…that he lied…lots of things fall into place…lots of lies i’d believed… the beginning of my awakening… womens names are in there too… only one or two are from school to help with kiddo’s now behavioral issues in school… before he was diagnosed with asperger’s… but one isn’t…
Now he tells everyone he’s got a gambling addiction… i buy into it for a time… but no… it wasn’t gambling his addiction. strippers, whores, subservient women there to please his needs & boost his ego are his real addiction. He gets off on controling women & telling them what he wants from them.
That’s what he did to me.

He took every piece of my freedom from me. little by little, subtly but completely. He broke me more, crushing as much of me as he could, continuing the work bullies had begun.

If you’ve never had everything taken from you by anyone, you’ve got no clue what it’s like to lose all freedom, to be condemned into a trap you got tricked into by a skilled actor/manipulator. You’ve got no clue that it’s not roses to have someone take your rights away from you. To have them force anything on you from what you’re allowed to eat to what you’re allowed to wear to everyhting else. Maybe it sounds like a vacation to you… maybe it sounds like it can only ever happen to “other people”.

his mother is a former paralegal. They were friends with judges. when i was told i’d get deported & never see my son again if i didn’t comply, i believed it. They could legally make it happen.
i had no id, no status, couldn’t talk about any of it…if you got no proof it didn’t happen… no one believes you, especially when you’re dealing with someone who can twist the truth just enough to make you the bad person… it’s all your fault after all cuz… you’re stupid & worthless…

he had me cornered behind invisible walls of fear, of degradation…

i’m not sure why i got lucky as much as i did… my very core holds a strength i forgot i had but it let me hold on. it let me fight back some…

oh i paid for fighting back, standing up to him, calling him out on his bullsh*t… i paid dearly over the years but i held my ground where/when i could.
we had internet again & i knew he had to be fully invested in it to not give it up this time… i was very worried once i found friends… i somehow didn’t just find friends i found *the right friends* (forever grateful ty “M” , for the info you provided on narcissism ❤ ty for everyone that helped nudge me, wake me up & get me on the right track, be you on my fb friend list or not. another special thanks goes to “T”. you knows who you are & everything you did for me ❤ ) & i found myself & started getting myself back to being strong, learning about boundaries, learning about narcissists & how abuse wasn’t just hitting.

all of a sudden everything i went through over the years had a name, everything made a kind of sense… it had a name & a reason behind it.

The warrior in me wasn’t ever broken. I took those tools & i repaired myself somewhat & i fought to get out & help my kid too. That warrior in me that refuses to submit to other people no matter what. It boils like lava in the face of injustice.

He never broke me.

He tried but he couldn’t touch me anymore.

The more he lost control the worst the abuse got. He tried to break me, oh god he tried.

if i wasn’t subservient to him, i had to be broken…

how dare i cast off his dominance…

how dare i tell him NO.

I refused to play his games. Only i didn’t have solutions to block it sometimes… it’s not easy dealing with a master manipulator… he thinks fast but mostly sticks to the same ammo… the usual ammo i can cope with now but the new stuff, the humiliation, the complete vicious new ways to try and get me back into submission just got worst & worst…no proof…no one to believe me… no escape… no safety… i did have a refuge & i did have help.

Though… for 3 years before leaving him, i had been put in contact with the right folks. He nevere knew it.

i just needed a place to go… the shelter told me no… not sure to this day why other then “because he never openly threatened to kill me…” well… thanks… i got turned back to be abused more… till a friend let me live at their place for a while. i was afraid but i got out with my kid.
I took back my freedom & my dignity.

To use “T’s” words to me: There’s nothing wrong with me & everything wrong with anyone who ever made me feel like there was.

I’m healing from life altering trauma. shadows. fears.

but the ugly reality is… anyone can take that from you at any time…

if you let yourself be blinded & that’s easy to do if you don’t ask yourself what’s going on…
Now if you feel like judging me for what i’ve been through, keep in mind i’m not the person i was. I left him, i’m strong, i’m healing & i refuse to be blind anymore.
but if you feel i’m stupid for this, kindly remove yourself because i got no respect for people who think less of me.
i’ve come out on top. i’ve won my battle. It’s something i carry with me for the rest of my life.
i don’t want pity but i want you guys to try & understand this.

cuz it matters

This Is My Reality

struggling
struggling
struggling
worrying
worrying
worrying
trying
trying
trying
crying
crying
crying
stressing out
anxiety
why is no one getting it?
why am i not getting the services i need?
why am i being brushed off
why?
you don’t qualify
you don’t
we don’t know
have you thought about going back?
no call backs
no call backs
no call backs
i struggle
i wait
i’m in limbo
for over a year
i get some services
i get promised tons more
no call back
no clue
we don’t know how to handle your situation
you don’t qualify
have you thought about going back?
why no just go back?
have you considered going back?
no call backs
no call backs
hello i’m here. i need your help. i’m canadian. i was tricked. i was lied to.
sorry we have no clue how to help you
sorry we have services, just not for your perticular case
you don’t qualify
why not just go back
(unspoken: it’d be easier on all of us if you weren’t here to need help)
what about my son though? he’s a citizen.
he was a victim too. i chose to stay for his sake.
why no just go back?
we don’t know how to help you if you stay
we don’t have to figure it out if you leave
no call backs
brush off
brush off
brush off
it must have been so horrible
why not just go back?
have you considered going back?
you should go back
we don’t know how to help you
struggle
struggle
struggle
fish out of water
gasping for breath
gasping for air
tossed into the ghetto where i don’t belong
culture shock
more abusive folks surrounding me
cuz..apparently i havent had enough
tossed into being more poor then your poor to help my kid who’s just as ignored in this
he doesn’t want counseling
he doesn’t know he’s been affected this much
i see it
i’ve known a different life
he hasn’t
can’t convince him
struggle
struggle
struggle
anger
pain
i work more then anyone they’ve dealt with
because it beats being locked in a tiny bedroom all day almost every day for 2 years
being tortured mentaly, emotionally far longer then that
prison
cage
i hurt my back laying in a bed on my belly for 2 years
hurt my neck, my jaw
hurt my body in stress alone
looking for help
looking for escape
looking
not finding
losing hope i’d ever get out
being turned away
being sent back
he never told me “i’ll kill you”
he DID tell me i’ll send you back like an old used shoe
you’ll never see your son again
i’ll make sure of it
go back
go back
never see your kid again
why don’t you go back?
it’ll be less work – less trouble – for me, for us
we don’t know how to help you
struggle
struggle
struggle
cry
i found a home after months of being homeless
not even in a DV shelter
they turned me away
sorry you don’t qualify
services dangled in front of me
sorry you don’t qualify
taken back
we don’t know how to help you
struggle
struggle
cry
i’m nervous around people
specially large crowds of strangers
anxiety
panic
can’t breathe
can’t help you
have you considered going back?
you’re not really our problem
we get paid the same at the end of the day
we care though
just not that much
no call back
no call back
help dangled in front of you
help you dont really get
you don’t qualify
struggle
struggle
slums
more poor then your poor
i dont qualify
section 8
subsedy
cost of living
i found a home
struggle
struggle
struggle
utilities are too high
can’t afford feminine products
had to cut up a shirt, not that i have many, to use as a rag
2 months
more months
struggle
struggle
save money
save money how?
save money for a physical to adjust status
to adjust status quo
you’re in limbo
sorry you’re in limbo
no help
you can get some schooling there
you don’t qualify
we don’t have a clue what to do with you
have you considered going back?
it’s an option
no it’s not
i can’t abandon my son
he can’t believe he can make it on his own
he’s got Asperger’s (Autism spectrum)
he’s been forced to be dependent on someone abusive
don’t you know it was part of the abuse?
depend on me, i’m the only provider of everything
you can’t be independent, i’m your GOD
i give and i take but you’re here cuz of me
you live cuz i say so
i am everything
you breath, eat, drink, cuz i give it
i give pain but i give everything
you’re nothing without me
abuse
abuse
mental torture & torment
can’t be dependent
i give you everything or nothing, my choice not yours
stockholm syndrome
child raised into that
can’t be independent
can’t be a person
has to rely on someone
how do you teach a young adult its not true if that’s all he’s ever known?
he needs me
i have to teach him his father was lying
i have to give him confidence to stand on his own 2 feet
my fault
my fault
his fault
his fault
damage needs undoing
struggle
struggle
worry
anxiety
can’t breathe
have you thought about going back?
it’ll be easier if you do
we don’t really care
we still get paid at the end of the day
unfair
unfair
some do care
not many
i’m a piece of puzzle they have to find a fit for
i was made for a different puzzle but now i have to fit in this one
feelings
thats how it feels
struggle
rat maze
struggle
freedom
struggle
beats being trapped in that tiny bedroom for 2 years
healing
forward
steps back
steps back
forward
forward
no one gets it
can’t afford this, need it though
next month then i guess…maybe
i have to figure this out on my own
struggle
struggle
sorry we don’t have those here…only food – food pantry –
other essentials you’re on your own for
you get enough food stamps though,
it’s the “paper products” that get dangled, basic necessities
reinforce what the abuser said…he gave it more often then you can get right now
only i knoww eventually it’s supposed to get better….right?
hope
hope
struggle
try this place
try these folks
help help help
sorry you don’t qualify
sorry we don’t have those
sorry we can’t help you
have you tried going back?
frustrating
condescending
the easy way out for you, not me
why can’t you see?
why don’t you understand?
i put my son first
i’m the one with consequences
my abuser got away with it
he didn’t punch me
he just treated me like dirt
gaslighting
lies
half truths
twisted realities
guilt
emotional pain
control
mental dependency
somehow i broke free
somehow i got out
anger
outrage
i’m on my own
wondering how to get through this
it feels worst then the tiny bedroom sometimes
i’m free though
freedom
it’s better then the tiny bedroom
leg cramps
i walk everywhere
i cant reach that its too far to walk it
no transportation
no services
you don’t qualify
we don’t tell you things
not our job to tell you
you’ve got no clue how
can’t find this place
can’t afford their services
where the heck are all the optometrists, dentists, doctors
sorry we don’t take your insurance
can’t help you
struggle
struggle
why don’t you go back?
to the abuser or to canada?
have you thought about going back?
wtf?
blind struggle
fight struggle
freedom struggle
i’m in limbo
frustration
i’m never ever ever going back to that abusive git
how do i save up for my freedom when i can’t even afford the basics you take for granted?
you still get your cushy paycheck this week
even if you don’t help me
it hurts me, not you
it frustrates me, not you
i just make you have to dig for info
i just make it harder on you
you have to try to figure out my situation
i don’t qualify
its easier to ignore me
help dangled in front of my nose then taken away
not so different then the abuse i’ve been through
confused yet?
i am
dangle a promise in front of your nose
you’re worthless, i am your GOD
worship me or you don’t get this
not so different
i found a home
you didn’t find it for me
should i have not bothered?
would i have gotten the right services then?
i got myself out
you failed me
the system failed me
but i’m here
struggling
struggling
struggling
worrying
crying
anxiety
trying
crying
crying
hard to breathe
he’s sitting in the living room i used to sit in before the tiny bedroom
he doesn’t care
he got away with it
he gets to abuse someone else now
he gets to torment me in court as if that wasn’t harassment
he gets to pretend he can’t work
he gets to mooch of the system
he could mooch off me
his mother’s got his back
she’s telling him what to do
she’s the reason he was abusive to me
but she’s blind to it
heck so is he
mommy issues – controling mommy – hate strong women – break one feel better – break many feel powerful
worthless women
i need help
i don’t qualify
have you thought about going back?
have you considered going back?
verbal slap in the face
just like the abuse
life was easier with the abuser
don’t you get it?
struggle
struggle
at least i’m free
don’t brush me off
i’m here
i need help
he tricked me but i’m the one paying for it
he gets to keep on tricking
keep on abusing
nothing wrong with his behavior
my fault for being stupid
my fault for being gullible
my fault for getting tricked
the next poor soul he catches will probably qualify
but maybe she won’t qualify either
no one cares enough to change this
just go back
have you considered going back?
i’m canadian
i had no ID anymore until i struggled
HERE
not there
can’t cross if i can’t prove who i am
why is it so hard to understand?
cuz you’ve never been conned into entering a trap
you’ve never been put into a mental and emotional cage
you’ve never lost your freedom
certainly never across a border
i hope it never happens to you
it’s horrible
i don’t wish it on anyone
red flags
no one taught me
i couldnt tell
i couldnt see
now i’m paying for it dearly
guilt
guilt
wasn’t really my fault
but it’s my torment
brush off
brush off
help dangled in front of me only to be withdrawn
failed me
failed me
no help here
crying
crying
is he winning?
he’s not paying for tricking me
he’s getting away scotch free
he’s mooching off all of you
pretending
pretending
mooching
meanwhile i need real help
not getting it
system broken
no help here
no list of services
just call these numbers
no call back
no call back
no help
you don’t qualify
not our frickin problem
struggle
struggle
more poor then one of yours
but you gotto save money
what money?
no funds
no services
no help
you don’t qualify
have you thought about going back?
no really… it’d be easier to go back
go back to …what?
go be someone else’s problem
discouraging
crying
frustrating
i’d like schooling
omg just go back already
you don’t qualify
it’s the easy answer
stop struggling
stop asking us to rack our brains to figure it out, please
just go back
forget this ever happened to you
you can start fresh if you go back
we don’t like being asked stuff
we don’t like having to ask stuff
no one knows
no one can help you
everyone else just stays with their abuser
everyone else goes back
you’re stirring the pot
just go back & stop being our problem
you don’t qualify
help dangled and taken away
frustrating
frustrating
frustrating
i’m a human being too
why is the help just not there for me
i am Canadian lost in the US shuffle i was tricked into by my abuser
he took all my rights away
and now i don’t qualify
he sits there laughing
i stand here struggling
i am Canadian tricked into being your problem
so why was this even allowed
all the helpful people he tricked aren’t paying for this
i am
he’s not paying for it
i am
you are
but you refuse to help
he’s laughing
i’m struggling
are you going to pay for me to get what little i’ve got back across the border?
are you going to make me abandon it all all over again?
my kid sleeps on a couch
i sleep in a recliner
we have a table with 3 chairs…
all three chairs have bent legs
but it’s mine, it’s ours – kiddo & me
it’s not his to give or take…
or is it?
go back
leave here
go back
are you going to tell me i have to abandon my kid & my cat?
cat’s been in the abuse too
she’s got anxiety too
she rips her hair out now
she’s stressed
she’s afraid
she’s clinging to me
i’m all they’ve got, her & my kid
and all you can tell me is
have you thought about going back?
do you not get it?
you’re telling me to abandon them
to abandon everything i’ve gained in a year
i left stuff behind
i had to
no way to haul it here
no way to take it into a shelter that only lets you bring 2 bags of clothes
do you have any clue what it’s like?
abandoning stuff you crossed the border with?
stuff you should have never had to leave behind?
cuz you got tricked
and no one gets it
have you thought about going back?
of course i have
if only cuz my abuser wouldnt be there
stop it
stop it
crying
hurting
it’s just stuff
no. it’s memories
it’s mine
but not anymore
“mine” should have meant something
mine
not yours
mine
not yours to take from me
how dare you?
everything got taken from me
it means nothing to you
you still got your comfy home
your car
your books
your kids
your pets
your cushy paycheck
you can sleep at night
no terrors waking you up at all hours of the night
no nightmares plaguing you
you can sleep
i’m afraid to
and even if you lost it all, you qualify
you qualify
i don’t
not much help for me
you don’t get it
you don’t get it
you don’t understand
i dont qualify
why not?
stop asking us
just go back already
then you won’t be our problem
you should never have been our problem in the first place
no, i should never have been
tell HIM that
tell it to my abuser
tell him he can’t trick people and walk away scotch free
tell him he can’t abuse
no?
why not?
he’ll do it again you know
he’ll do it again
he told me “if i think i can get away with something i’ll do it”
he got away with ripping my soul out, stomping on it, shredding it to pieces & spitting on it
tell him
tell him NO
tell him
so why am i the problem?
why is there no help?
why isn’t he made to pay for this?
struggle
struggle
he’s the one interested in revenge cuz i dared to walk away
i dared to defy him
i dared to take back my freedom
i dared to break that cage
i dared to break free
i dared to help my son get out
i just wanna move on
i just want my life back
denied
denied
you don’t qualify
just go back
frustrating
condescending
help dangled in front of my face
sorry you don’t qualify
just go back
stop being our problem
wtf?
do you even realize i was tricked by a skilled actor until i was locked tight into a cage?
do you realize i never asked for this?
do you realize he’ll do it again to someone else, maybe even YOU?
oh right
you can tell red flags
so not you
just others
you know his name anyway
cuz i told you
he can’t trick you
good for you
good for you
doesn’t help me, or her, or her…
but good for you
you still get your paycheck even if i get no help
good for you
sad for me
struggle
struggle
struggle
my son needs me
my cat needs me
i need help
i don’t qualify
why the heck is he not paying for my status adjustment physical?
he’s the one that tricked me here
he’s the one that made me your problem
why the heck isn’t he having to rectify his crime?
it would teach him not to do it again
cuz he’d have to pay fees for bringing me here
no getting away with his crime
no getting away with his fraud
no mooching off taxpayers money
he’d have a consequence for tricking me
you’re the one that chose to stay
just go back already
just go back
you don’t get it
i can’t go back right now
it takes money to go back
even if i’d chosen to
would you pay for that?
for me to go back?
cuz he wouldn’t
his family wouldn’t
my problem
frustration
struggle
struggle
you just don’t get it
not your problem
i’m crying
i’m struggling
i’m trying
it’s not good enough
it’s not enough
no sorry you’re not even allowed to get fully on your own two feet cuz we can’t let you
you don’t have the right paperwork yet
you don’t have the right to
i need help then
sorry, you don’t qualify
i am Canadian, promised love & respect in the USA, tricked into abuse. i got up & left my abuser after over a decade.
this is my reality
this is my life
this is my grief
i have trauma
i have pain
there is not much help out there
without a tentative friendship i wouldn’t have been able to leave him
without a citizen-child i would not have gotten any help for 4 months from the system
without online friends i would have never found the answers i needed to get out in the first place
i somehow got very lucky
he sits there in his own filth laughing
he could be clean but he’s too lazy
it’s woman’s work
it’s my job to clean after him
no it’s not
not anymore
i’m not a slave
i’m free now
never again
never again
leave me alone
i’m free
you don’t wanna clean up after yourself then don’t blame me
i’m not your scapegoat anymore
i’m not letting you or anyone else take anything else from me
i’ve earned the right
i’ve earned myself back
i’m strong
i’m going to help my son
i’m going to prove you wrong
i can be here
struggle
struggle
struggle
dangle your help & take it away
i’ve been through it before
i’ve lived nearly 2 decades in abuse
i’ve survived
but again i ask you
why is there no help for me?
why is there nothing in place to help me?
i’m not the only canadian caught like this
i’m not the only one
you are part of the reason its easier to stay with the abuser
the help just isnt there
the help just isnt there unless you’re a citizen
and even then people don’t know the help is available
but that’s not reality
there is a border
i was brought across it
there isn’t even help going back
if i chose that road
no help for my cat to get vetting/care to cross
no help for my son who’d get culture shock & displaced from the only home he’s ever known
he’s a citizen here
he’s special needs
no help for him though
why are you treating me like i’m the monster?
why are you treating us like it’s my fault?
why are you brushing me off?
i’m an ugly truth you’d prefer to ignore
i’m an ugly truth that you’d rather not have to deal with
tell him that
he tricked me
it’s his fault
i’m done blaming myself
i’m done feeling guilty
i bent over backwards in hope i’d be a good mother, a good wife
shame on me for not trying harder…
shame on me for not being enough…
no more blame
i’m done catering
i’m done feeling guilty
i’m not done struggling
one year free
one year struggling
two years struggling
my back got messed up in that tiny bedroom
my legs cramp up
i walk everywhere
i can’t afford the basics
i can’t afford transportation
i can’t get a proper job
i can’t get out of this struggle
i need schooling
stop dangling help in front of me & then telling me sorry you don’t qualify
i need services
all i get is
have you thought about going back?
to Canada – because surely you’re not telling me to go back to the abuser
that would be unethical
not your problem
you still get your check this month
you still go home to a warm comfy bed
you dont wake up at night from every noise or if it’s too quiet
you dont have PTSD
you don’t have trauma
you don’t have to remember that oh….right… you’re no longer at risk of being tormented…go back to sleep
but i do
struggle
struggle
cry
cry
don’t cry in public…
try not to…
you’ve been humiliated enough…
sometimes tears run free anyway, in public…
maybe not often enough
maybe too often
i’m not sure anymore
fight on
fight pretty much alone
i have to stand on my own two feet
only i don’t have help getting on my feet to stand on them
my home?
i fought for it
my son?
i fought for him
my cat?
i fought for her
the little i have i fought like hell’s fury for
the few services i got? by some miracle i qualified for those
but i need schooling
i need options
i need help
i’m more poor then your poorest citizens
i don’t qualify for pretty much everything in place to help DV victims… survivors
no wonder they bring women in from other countries to abuse…
you guys don’t get it
they’ve got an open invite to pull this fraud so long as they have the victim convinced they love them
so easy
too easy
have you got anything other then “go back” to tell me?
an i trash to be discarded?
was he right?
done feeling like trash
i’m good enough
i’m strong enough
i’m brave enough
i am enough
enough
go back
have you considered going back?
you might not have considered how hurtful that is
have you thought about going back?
i don’t know… have you considered finding out where your immigrant ancestors came from & going back?
leave all your job, money, comfy home, take nothing…maybe your children will follow you… can’t take your pet(s)
and go back to some country you’ve got no help going to, no money to get you there, no ID to cross their border
no idea how you’ll get across
does that sound crazy to you?
then how am i supposed to go back?
i need money to go back
stop thinking it’s a solution cuz it’s not
oh but you can ask people to come get you
to get me they have to CROSS THE BORDER
to cross the border they need a passport
they need permission
they need money for gas in their car
family members i havent really spoken to in almost 2 decades
why the heck would they spend money to help me?
my son can’t finish his program over there…
tell him why he has to suffer more
tell him why he finally gets into something he likes after being turned down many times for other things he wanted to do
his father sabotaged so many things
but… he can’t finish it if i go back
or are you suggesting he goes back to his abusive father & intentionally gets trapped there?
trophy child
make me look good child
you’re not allowed a personality child
you’re forbidden having an original thought or opinion child
you’re only supposed to make me look like a perfect father figure child
you dont really matter other then that, child
stockholm syndrome
you can’t be independent of me child
i am your GOD, child
you get to pay even more cuz your mother defied me, child
so i have to curb your thoughts of leaving even more cuz she left, child
think
would you suggest that?
it’s what you suggest when you tell me to go back
my cat can’t cross the border
do you know what they do to pets that don’t have the right vetting?
even with the right vetting they’re quarantined a while
she’ll be frightened, pull her hair out, might bite & scratch them
be considered dangerous
she’ll be denied crossing the border and euthanized
letting someone else take her in is what caused part of her trauma
she’s only 5 years old… only lived 1/3 of her life
separation anxiety
fear
struggle
being ripped away from safety
being alone
scared
scarred
no help
no hope
all cuz i don’t qualify
maybe you don’t care
but i do
i care
that’s how i got tricked in the first place
caring
but i refuse to not care
some things matter
even if i don’t qualify for much
it matters
struggle
struggle
crying
can’t breathe
i get ignored
i get beat up more
i get no help
struggle
struggle
this is my reality
why the heck do you act like this never happened before
i know it must have
i can’t be the first Canadian to wave my hands and ask for help
i can’t possibly be the first to get tricked
i cant possibly be the first to stay here
so why is there no help in place?
why is there no straight answers?
wtf?
i work hard
i fight for everything i have
i fight for my son’s rights
i fight on
i struggle
struggle
struggle
stop telling me i should go back
stop asking if i thought about it
obviously i miss my family
obviously i miss the place i grew up in
cuz so far
this side of the border
i’ve only known abuse & neglect in
is that really the impression you wanna leave on me?
is that really all i should have for memories from here?
i am Candian
i was tricked
i was promised love and happiness
i was promised a life here
i came in good faith
i was tricked
i was caged
i was trapped
i was bullied
i was tormented
i was gaslighted
i was threatened
i was blackmailed
i was abused
i was made to feel i wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough
my freedom was taken from me
my life was twisted and 16 years of my life were taken from me
my hope was crushed several times
i woke up
i grieved
i thought i’d never get out of there
i was denied help
i have no police report
i felt just as trapped by that as by him
my son was trapped by extension
now you want to brush me off
now you want to tell me to go away
to not make you uncomfortable for a few hours
i’ve been abused but i am canadian
i am strong
i refuse to be brushed off
i refuse to be used and then discarded
my reply to you is yes, i’ve thought about going back
many times
more then you know or care to know
thought about giving up
disappointing my son like his father has all his life
letting my cat suffer or die cuz she can’t cross with us
leaving everything i fought to keep when i left…
stuff that belonged to my deceased grandparents: all i have of them
stuff i brought here from canada (sadly some got left behind)
do you not see why that’s not an option?
do you think there is a choice for me?
why would you care?
you still have your home
your paycheck
your family
you still sleep at night
my reality is not yours
my fight – shrug – not yours
my struggle? – nope, not yours
you have the position to help me
but i don’t qualify
and at the end of the day you go home
you get to walk away
i don’t
i struggle
struggle
struggle
cry
fight
cry
can’t breathe
trauma
pain
can’t afford basics you take for granted…
i took them for granted too once upon a time…
i have to face this reality now though
every darn thing can be taken from you at the drop of a hat
just so you know
one…
little…
piece…
at…
a…
time…
until there’s nothing left but loss & confusion & stockholm syndrome
& all i hear is “go away, you give us extra work”
some of us would give a lot to have extra work if it means we don’t have to struggle
if it means we don’t have to worry about being homeless or hungry tomorrow…
just fyi
yes i’ve considered all that…more then you have
figure it out
cuz this is my reality
obviously not yours