i left a little over one year ago. i’m getting myself back to the person i should be, the person i wanna be, the person i need to rebuild.
i’m very much aware that most of my inner being was grabbed, yanked out, & ripped to shreds in the time i was in the 16 years of abuse. some piece of me refused to be though & i believe that’s what slowly put me back on track, that piece of inner-self that made me really look at his behavior & refuse to put up with it. That piece of me that had no name for his behavior for a long long time & didn’t even know it as the abuse it was until he lost his control of me & the abuse got worst.
i was tormented, made confused with back & forths i can’t even begin to describe cuz there’s so many & when i try they all jump to the forefront at the same time trying to come out. writing… that’s the only way it seems to be letting them take turns because the time they happened was so tangled & confusing it’s hard to sort through it all.
parts of me are still needing to be untangled & sometimes i can’t calm my memories or emotions enough to begin to put things into words. Maybe that’s why most of my healing seems to be subconscious & in my dreams instead of in therapy.
I’ve begun a non-internet journal to try & sort out some of it. I won’t be able to fully heal until I write about it but some things i can’t share yet. I hit a wall. My emotional side cuts off my ability to think clearly at given moments… somehow there’s times i can stop it but other times i get too emotional. Or if i’m supposed to talk about events matching a specific & there are too many i get lost in a maelstrom of memories & emotions. so when i’m home, in the quiet, no pressure, no expectations, that’s when it comes out without trouble.
well i’m learning to put a name to the confused pieces. i’m learning to understand why he did what he did to me… i’m getting a kind of closure I didn’t think i’d ever get.
I’m also slowly leaning what triggers my anger & my outrage because of what I’ve been though. I’m learning to never let anyone confuse me to the point of breaking me down like he’s done. Never again. I’m bracing myself for the day he might find where i am & to not get caught up in it again.
& finally, i’m learning to trust myself, to stand on my own two feet despite everything. I’m learning to be stronger then ever.
I’d like to share an article i found that might help others