One year strong

i left a little over one year ago. i’m getting myself back to the person i should be, the person i wanna be, the person i need to rebuild.

i’m very much aware that most of my inner being was grabbed, yanked out, & ripped to shreds in the time i was in the 16 years of abuse. some piece of me refused to be though & i believe that’s what slowly put me back on track, that piece of inner-self that made me really look at his behavior & refuse to put up with it. That piece of me that had no name for his behavior for a long long time & didn’t even know it as the abuse it was until he lost his control of me & the abuse got worst.

i was tormented, made confused with back & forths i can’t even begin to describe cuz there’s so many & when i try they all jump to the forefront at the same time trying to come out. writing… that’s the only way it seems to be letting them take turns because the time they happened was so tangled & confusing it’s hard to sort through it all.

parts of me are still needing to be untangled & sometimes i can’t calm my memories or emotions enough to begin to put things into words. Maybe that’s why most of my healing seems to be subconscious & in my dreams instead of in therapy.

I’ve begun a non-internet journal to try & sort out some of it. I won’t be able to fully heal until I write about it but some things i can’t share yet. I hit a wall. My emotional side cuts off my ability to think clearly at given moments… somehow there’s times i can stop it but other times i get too emotional. Or if i’m supposed to talk about events matching a specific & there are too many i get lost in a maelstrom of memories & emotions. so when i’m home, in the quiet, no pressure, no expectations, that’s when it comes out without trouble.

well i’m learning to put a name to the confused pieces. i’m learning to understand why he did what he did to me… i’m getting a kind of closure I didn’t think i’d ever get.

I’m also slowly leaning what triggers my anger & my outrage because of what I’ve been though. I’m learning to never let anyone confuse me to the point of breaking me down like he’s done. Never again. I’m bracing myself for the day he might find where i am & to not get caught up in it again.

& finally, i’m learning to trust myself, to stand on my own two feet despite everything. I’m learning to be stronger then ever.

I’d like to share an article i found that might help others

i’m just going to leave this here

cuz..lots of yay & nay on the women’s march

lot of confusion too

what is it for?

that politicians (& males in general) can keep their noses out of women’s choices/rights – not to ask for more – no we might not all feel demeaned, attacked, oppressed by guys (certainly not all guys) & know some men respect & even value us & all we do, but some butt in where they’re not needed. we’re not all feminists. Nothing wrong with making the point that we’re not voiceless, however & we’re not subservient or toys for guys to abuse. we’re not a commodity.

now to this i will add: it begins at home.

father or mother:
teach your daughters to be respected & to not objectify themselves,
teach your sons to respect that girls have rights & are not objects/possessions for them.
teach boundaries & red flags of abuse.
teach your daughters to protect themselves.
teach your sons to speak up -maybe even step in – if they see abuse.
mind you, men ought to be marching too, abuse is more common for women but guys’re victims sometimes too
lead by example

for other country’s women: it’s not easy to change an entire nation’s mind set on how important women are to their people’s survival.

& please stop teaching self-entitlement to your children…

say no to them, say no more if they hissy fit until they stop hissy fitting. They should be strong with an opinion BUT not think the world owes them whatever they want – that’s what got us in the self-entitlement mess the country is in now…