Fyi…

There is a reason I did not finish the story of how I got to this point… I’m not sure how it being made public yet would impact my case.  I’m not sure how my dive into a virtual world to try and get help getting out of that situation will be taken.  I’m not sure of anything…

except…

that the purpose of this blog is to keep a kind of public journal of my struggles in hopes of preventing or inspiring help for people that might be in similar situations trying to get help or to leave their abusive citizen spouse while they are without status…

I cry… a lot…

Everything I try to gain, everything I hope for or am willing to work to regain or accomplish is currently just beyond my reach…

It’s a living nightmare to know you would be willing and physically, mentally, emotionally able to shine… but that it’s denied to you because you trusted someone, the wrong person… and they did something that should be a crime but you’re the one paying for it.  That I will be the one paying for this.  If I’m accepted here, I pay long enough to get my life in order… then I get to be free of it and move on.  If they decide I’m not worth the time, I get sent back and pay for this for a minimum of 10 years while he gets no consequences…

Love seemed worth a lot at the time… it doesn’t seem worth it now…

Well this is depressing…sighhh…

Rollercoasters… they go up and down and sometimes life is a rollercoaster.

So I know I can’t work here legally and a job under the table would be fraud in sooo many governmental agencies I hate to have even a cursory look at consequences and repercussions of even considering it… so i wait… I wait for a decision from immigration…

I was told i’d have to do a job search program to keep getting benefits from DSS erm… can’t… so I’m getting tossed to a different thing… volunteering helps I’m sure.  It’s beginning to feel like I’m a ping pong ball… or it was… I start volunteering in June… 5 to 7 days a month, they said.

What sucks?  they got my hopes up about schooling…I thought I might be able to go ot school while I wait so I might be better employable once immigration makes a decision… nope… they won’t fund it for me…

I thought & tried for housing… went through pretty much all the landlords in the area and others just seeking roomies etc to fund this or that by renting room and board… nope… I’ll need to save an immense sum of cash for security deposit, down payment, possibly a pet deposit (if I can ever get my poor cat back who, i have no doubt is being sorely neglected right now).  I’ve got no bank account possibility until my son turns 18 and then he can have a bank account…

I’d love to fund my own schooling with what little I get from DSS but…I do need a place to stay first and even the worst rat hole in town demands a security deposit despite taking DSS… that’s how they make their money I guess…

I am in Limbo… I wanna work, I wanna go back to school, I wanna… except my estrange husband’s antics and shenanigans of holding the paperwork over my head and cutting corners to even get me here screwed me over big time and I don’t understand why there are no provisions in place to help people like me out… meanwhile, I struggle like a fish out of water (…which in a sense I guess I am, eh?) and my talents and brain go to waste in the meantime…I loathe being stuck and my hands being tied like this… I don’t understand the people that could do so much and use their potential to do good or build something and choose not to.  Those that could accomplish…something…anything great with their hands, their minds…and waste their talents and their life.  I’ve already wasted so darn much by having trusted the wrong person to do the right thing…I loved and trusted  the wrong guy and now my life is a chaotic mess where I don’t have a clue what will happen to me tomorrow.

I cannot even begin to explain what a stupid situation I found myself in… What a HUGE issue that is to me for putting my son through this and I can only comfort myself knowing I had no idea that the guy I trusted above all else with so much importance… my life, my future, our son’s life… that he would take two lives and screw them over so completely and so thoroughly and make the mountain nearly un-climbable to escape what I can only refer to as his cruel and inhumane game of ‘I own you bish’… because until we walked away from him, that is exactly what was in his head… ownership, power over me, slavery.  There needs to be a definite wake up call, a serious reality check, to these guys that marriage does not mean ownership!!!  I have a basic human right to refuse to do your bidding while you treat me like less then dirt and run off to do whatever you want.  I should not have to be starved because you want to eat above our means while I cannot have a job or earn any sort of money.  Marriage does not give you the right, did not give you the right, to bully me into doing what you want with no regards for my wants and needs.  Marriage under those conditions is nothing but a cheap attempt at semi-legal slavery!!!

Fact: the @$$h*le that did this to me does not care; he still has a roof over his head, money in his pocket, food in his belly and his entire bag of tricks, lies and manipulations and twisted loopholes he had when he con’ed me into coming here!

And

He

Does

Not

Care

and is ready to do it again to someone else!!!  Again with what consequences??? NONE.  Not a one.

Walking away with my head held high and still being unable to fend for my needs and my son’s…just… even having to do so is screwed up beyond reason…

If not for a tentative friend, I would have no roof over my head, no shelter from rain or cold…what of those that cannot even have that much…?  To get DSS you need an address… you need money to have an address…shelters only keep you  maybe a month to three months for violence that you can prove… while homeless shelters only keep you for 10 days which is not nearly enough in some extreme cases!

No one, to this day, offers shelter for women (or men) that have been brought here thinking they could marry a man (or woman) they love(d), build a family and a life and be happy only to be screwed over, treated like a slave, often with no help (how many times did the cops tell me oh so helpfully ‘work it out or you’ll get tossed back across the border’ without my son??? too many gosh darn times).

It’s become a kind of sick and twisted ‘joke’ of haven’t you considered going back across the border?  Why yes, I did..if to at least be out of his reach…but then I pay another price due to his refusal to keep his word while he gets away with…not even a slap on the wrist or a dishonorable mention… I am banned from here for a minimum of 10  years for a crime HE committed!!! meanwhile what happens to my son, who has never known any home but here…?  His school is here, his friends are here… and he may not be able to adapt or adjust well over there.  Am I supposed to leave him with my abuser?  To have been used as a pawn to hurt me only to become the next victim to these idiotic and heartless mind games I was subjected to?  Emotional abuse is toxic and I’ve protected him as best I could but my pulling him out of there would be in vain…?

We have been here 16 years, hoping, trying, fighting for our rights…and most people are telling us to just give up and pay the price and forget it ever happened…while he sits there, ready to repeat this with some other poor girl who will believe his lies and fall prey to his games…and the next one…?  Without a price to pay…?  With no consequences to him for any of it…?  Figure out why I’m not too keen on the idea of going back across the border… If I can prevent others falling for this trap, if I can make people think and inspire someone out there that has the money, status and power to put some help or prevention in place so that this gets some type of prevention and support for those who are in my current situation, then I will fight that darn uphill battle and I will fight on… because someone has to… and if not me, then who?